New shoes and daydreaming

My card is working again, after a week blocked due to a miscommunication at my bank after my computer purchase. So I celebrated by buying a new pair of designer shoes. Actually I spent about $20, and I knew my card was working again cause the purchases I made of, yes more, Queen CD's went through finally.

Wow, what an experience. To sing one's song live with Luciano Pavarotti. Sounds horrible, but still quite an experience. I think playing guitar for Robert Plant is perhaps a higher achievement if a bit less high-class. He really should not have tried to comb out his hair like that though. It looks all frizzy and fluffy, not at all attractive, whereas his nice mop of curls looks great if he just lets his curls stay intact. He would have been a dull-looking man with short hair, but his curls make him distinctive, and, yes, attractive, though much too old for me.

I can feel the high of my hypomania beginning to really seep away now. I am fighting it, and Queen still helps, but I am losing energy. Yes, the Show Must Go On, and it will, but it may be mostly will for a while. I got pretty decent at managing my moods like this for a bit, before depo, and was only very rarely suicidal. Obviously this might still be unhealthy if I am suicidal at the end of March next year, but my pact still holds for now, and I can't consider death an option at all till then. So I might as well continue to ride the wave of this rock-star path. I have no idea what I am capable of in this, as I have never sang into a microphone, nor have I made music in ublic except in choir. Yet, I am not afraid of public speaking, and am rather flamboyant when in public, some days anyway. Most importantly I need to figure out how to reinvent myself, cause where I am now seems too much of a dead end. So maybe there are other aspects of me that can help. If I live past my 31st birthday I have to have something to live for, and otherwise I might as well jump figuratively instead of literally, and choose a new life instead of just giving up entirely. Who knows but maybe I will become good friends with Brian May and John and Roger, and live a life of my dreams if I give myself half a chance. All that is certainly more possible if I am still alive, even if it is still silly and highly unlikely. Maybe my dream guy, Jonathan, exists too, and I'll fall madly in love with him and live happily ever after, too.

I wonder that I never thought to google the names of the guys from those dreams. There is the skeptics' approach to such dreams. I know the first and last names of three of the four and the middle name as well for one of them, and if the Internet was not so infernally slow at night I might find out something interesting, though not finding them does not proove anything, any more than John Deacon's absence from the web makes him dead or imaginary. Not that a name like Brian Masters is distinctive or anything. No, I doubt I will ever meet those guys. Nice daydreams, but they are not real and can't be. I am much more likely to become best friends with Brian May. :)